Monday, April 30, 2018

Mother's Day compliments from the mouths of boys

My sister and I had a lovely childhood playing Barbies, coloring, riding bikes and shooting hoops. But in no way did it prepare me for becoming the mother of two wild boys.

There’s the noise. The dirt. The smell! My aunt warned me when I was pregnant, “Their rooms will go right from smelling like pee to B.O. Just be ready. There’s nothing you can do about it.”

I’ve been serenaded by armpit-toots and belch-singing. I’ve rescued Lego guys, Matchbox cars and tortellini from the disc drive of our Wii. And now, years later, I still routinely find rocks in their pockets and mulch in their underwear.

So on that note, in honor of Mother’s Day, here are some “compliments” my sons have given me over the years.

“This dinner doesn’t suck.”

That’s code for: thanks for the awesome, healthy, home-cooked meal. We really appreciate it.

"Mom, you are a legend."

Now, I should clarify that was NOT in regards to my culinary abilities or homework assistance or even my awesome hook shot on the basketball court. Oh no. It’s for my aptitude at passing gas. Quite impressive to my children. What can I say?

“I love you better than boogers.”

My son told me this in the middle of breakfast one day when he was 3. To him, that was high praise. After all, sticking his digits in his nostrils was his second-favorite place after shoving his hand down his pants.

“You look nice.”

This is most often said without physically looking at me. I may or may not be wearing pajamas or clothes with actual holes or visible stains. My hair and makeup could be in any state. When pressed to actually put eyes on me, the little boogers will inevitably declare, “Mom, you always look nice.”

Yet, I’ve concluded the best compliments are the ones they don’t realize they’re giving me at all — as much as I love the homemade Mother’s Day cards and “surprise” breakfasts-in-bed.

I’m most honored when my boys grab the grocery bag and hold open the door when we’re out shopping. Or when they hear the garage door opening and pause their video games to run out and help me unload the car. It’s feeding the dog without being asked. And the unplanned half-hugs and belly laughs. 

Or even better yet, it’s when they think to ask me “What’s wrong?” or  “Can I help?” or “How was your day, Mom?”

That. That’s all I want this Mother’s Day.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Research concludes mothers use full names when kids are jerks

I've started reading all of my articles to my boys (though I sometimes censor them a bit).

In discussing the joys of writing satire, Mo suggested I come up with something about the seemingly universal phenomenon that moms use kids' full entire names when they're in trouble.

So I did. And today it was published in Sammiches & Psyche MedsResearch concludes mothers use full names when kids are jerks.

Thanks for the inspiration, kiddo!

P.S. As always, if you enjoy the article, please spread the love by liking, commenting and/or sharing.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Misheard song lyrics: I Gotta Feelin'

When they were younger, my boys loved the song, "I Gotta Feelin'" by the Black Eyed Peas. They always messed up one line of the song lyrics.

Tonight's the night,
let's live it up!
I got my MOMMY,
let's live it up!

Did I correct them? No way!

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Leashed toddler can jump up, roll over

I love The Onion. I even remember reading hard copies of the satirical paper before they went online.

When I saw an opportunity to write mommy satire, I couldn't wait to give it a try.

Today my first piece was published. If you enjoy it, please consider liking it, commenting or sharing with your friends.

Leashed toddler can jump up, roll over  featured on Sammiches & Psych Med's Mock Mom site.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

What happened when I let my son say 'crap'

Do you need a laugh today? This one is a tiny bit naughty, but if you read it to the very end I bet you at least chuckle.

Read "What happened when I let my son say 'crap'" on Sammiches & Psych Meds.

And if you enjoy this article, please consider sharing it with your friends so they can have a laugh, too.

Monday, April 9, 2018

Sammiches & Psych Meds

I came across a very funny site the other day called Sammiches & Psych Meds. I noticed they accept submitted articles, so I sent in a few and lo and behold, my piece will show up there later this week.

They also shared on their Facebook feed a little piece I wrote about Mo's sarcasm in line for the potty. Very cool!

If you've never visited them before, check out Sammiches & Psych Meds. You're almost guaranteed to laugh!

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Why Your 'Innocent' Comments Are So Hurtful

Scary Mommy published one of my articles today, "Why Your 'Innocent' Comments Are So Hurtful."

My original title was "Parents, check yourself for invisible grenades." It's about the thoughtless comments that people make (often other parents) that tear you apart on the inside... yet no one can see the damage, including the person who caused it.

At the risk of sounding oversensitive or a little paranoid, I think it's a good reminder that words can really hurt, and we can all do a better job of being more kind to one another.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

When Easter lands on April 1st

I couldn't resist a couple prank eggs this morning!

But don't feel too sorry for my kids, they got lots of nice eggs, too! Plus a whole basket full of goodies.

Happy Easter!